"Ideally Speaking" --
Sunday, March 16, 2003
I'm a lip balm addict. Years of repeated use have caused my lips to all but cease production of their own moisture. At any given moment, I might have ten or more active lip balms floating around the house, in my truck or at work. Its a small triumph to actually finish one without losing, melting or washing it.
Because I'm bored and I'm still working out the bugs in blog.cgi, heres a quick review of balm sticks currently on hand:
Chap-Et Lip Conditioner: The absolute bottom of the lip balm barrel. This is the stuff you buy at the gas station when your lips begin to resemble sundried tomatoes and the guy at the counter says, "Thats all we got, mang". Do yourself a favor and skip the Chap-Et and head straight for the 10W-40, aisle 4.
Chap Stick Regular Flavored: The workhorse of American lip balm culture, I own more Regulars than any other stick. No color, no flavor, absolutely no frills. The sort of balm you can kiss your mother with, but you probably wouldnt want to nonetheless...
Chap Stick Cherry Flavored: All good things in life come in cherry flavor, and lip balm is no exception. Of course, it tastes nothing like real cherries, but so what? Cherry Coke doesnt taste like cherries either and no one gives them shit. Doubles as an adequate food source if you're trapped under a house with nothing but sand and 2x4s to eat.
Chap Stick Strawberry Flavored: This one looks like it went through the washer, so I was unable to sample it during this review. Most of the girls I make out with remember the strawberry in particular, so it must be good (which might also explain why it went through the wash cycle, too).
Carmex: I left this one in my truck, so it was the consistency of olive oil at review time. Its probably just as well, because this shit will eat your fucking lips directly off. Not very helpful if the purpose of this exercise is to review my selection of lip balm. I keep it around to remove residual adhesive from my windows left by the "SUVs SUCK" stickers people like to put on my pickup truck.
Vaseline Intensive Care: Whoever invented the applicator for this one must be a lunatic. The only way I can use it is by squirting some onto my finger and rubbing it on my lips. Also good for those lonely hotel room nights...
Aveda Lip Saver: The undisputed Lip Balm Queen, the cream o' the crop. Applying Aveda Lip Saver is like rubbing fine silk drenched in liquid cocaine across your lips. You probably wont find this stick in Walgreens or at the liquor store, so you'll have to find your local Aveda retailer to score this one. Or get someone with an Aveda hookup to buy it for you like I did. The only drawback to this baton is that it doesnt seem to last as long as the cheaper variety. Just like cocaine...
Congratulations to Erin and Darren, the former of which gave birth to baby Drew, 6lbs. 8ozs. at 1:07pm today. Salute!
Aa.
